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| At work...yes i still work at the library...yes i'm working at the branches, and its fine. i was so mand and worried about it before, but its really not taht bad, now i think its bad downtown! i dont like it though still and i'm trying really ahrd to find a job. nobody wants me though...nobody wants to give me a chance. mike got a job with bank of america in waltham massachusetts, near boston. at first i didnt want to move there, btu then i got used to the idea and i was really looking forward to going to check out the area and look for a place. but then mike talked to uncle dave and he told him all these things about how we'll be broke and we'll have a crappy apartment and we wont be able to do anything ever. yeah its expensive, but so are all big cities. so is nobody ever supposed to live in a big city unless they make 200,000 a year? its annoying how people just try to ruin things i wish he would just shut up and let us make our own decisions based on what we observe instead of trying to tell us everything. i dont even know if i was going to move down right away. i want to be married before i move in with miek, but it jsut seems so silly to do htat. we have no money for a wedding, or even an engagement ring. if he moved there i'd just sit here and work at the library fora nother year and we still wouldnt have enough money. now im just getting upset thinking about everything. and i cant find a job so we are going to be broke, but i really would perfer to be married. miek is clueless about how to get engaged. its supposed to be a surprise and he's supposed to be planning something, i just know he isnt and i know its going to happen in a way that makes me dissapointed. i already kind of am. i always picture things in a way and then they never happen like that. i also idealize things and so they seem liek they would be so cool but then i get a flash of reality and its nothing like how i picture it. its like i see things as movies or something that are just sureal i dotn know how to explain it. and i just get upset and dissapointed when reality hits me which is why i was so upset about the things dave told mike about boston. we're still going to check it out, but dave really made mike rethink the whole thing. i really just want to get out of here and start over in a new place. im so tired of being here. and tahts just another thing, i think that moving will solve all these problems and everything will be great, but in reality all my problems are just giong to follow and there are going to be new problems coming up. so i think that everything is going to be so fun ad cool but then i'll have to be wroking full time and i know i'll have a hard time with taht. i just dont know. i just wish that for once in my life i could just be content with everything and not have all these issues and problems going on. i feel like that is never going to happen because there is always things going on. if its not one thing its another. i always felt that i would be happy once i was out of college, but now there are just new problems. and i feel like if i get a job and an apt then i will be happy, but then i'll be worrying about other things. like money or carlos being alone or working all the time and feeling like i dont have a life outside or having a hard time making friends. i just wish for once things could go easy on me and i could just be happy. i know its not like that for anyone though and thats just life. i'm going to go try find somewhere for lunch...then 4 more hours of sitting here. then to mikes. maybe me and him can go get some coffee after dinner and talk about stuff. | ||||||||
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